Counterparts 4: A Pirate, a Wizard, and a Cowboy Walk Into A Ninja
by joshlamont
Summary: Don't you just hate it when you're *right* about to be in the middle of an epic battle and some foreign tourists show up?


I tried, I really, really tried to get away from the dialogue, but the banter it would not stop!

Disclaimer: As always, I own nothing, from the Stargate to the Harry Potter to the Buffy to Naruto. In fact, everyone you see here is owned by someone not me.

* * *

"Jack!"

"Harris!"

"Xander!"

"Harry!"

"Colonel!"

"Kid!"

"What are you doing here?" they all asked simultaneously.

"Weird energy signatures," Jack said, "Carter noticed they were coming out of places that didn't exist. She figured wizards."

Harry shrugged. "Wasn't us- the Japanese wizards called us in because apparently I've got experience with 'demonic entities'"

They both looked at Xander.

He shrugged. "Don't blame me. I'm just here for the cool ninjas."

They both blinked.

"Y'know…" Jack said,

"I should have expected that," Harry finished.

"_Gangway!_"

**_Thump._**

* * *

**A Pirate, a Wizard, and a Cowboy Walk Into A Ninja**

* * *

"Owwww." The kid sat up, rubbing his head. "That hurt, dattebayo!"

O'Neill extricated himself from the tangled heap on the ground. "I think I speak for the rest of us when I say _'__duh'_."

"I second that," Harry grumbled, pulling himself upright. "Xander?"

"Shhh," Xander said, still lying on the ground. "If I wait long enough, the wrackspurts might leave."

"I am never letting Luna talk to you again," Harry muttered.

"Hey, hey, hey! " the kid exclaimed. "Use real words so I can understand you guys!"

"What'd he say?" Harry asked.

"Wants us to speak Japanese," O'Neill replied.

Harry gawked. "You understood him?"

"Don't tell me," Xander grinned from his place on the ground. "Magic ear plug?"

"One. Of. _Everything._"

"Hey, I said- "

"Give us a moment, kid." Xander sat up, pulling something out of his pocket. He tossed it to Harry. "Here, use my magic ring. Kasumi stomped enough Japanese in my head to get by."

O'Neill shivered. "Harris, that Tendo girl scares me. Always with the _smile_."

"Hey, be nice! Besides, she's a great cook."

Harry slipped on the ring. "Can you hear me now?"

Xander and O'Neill bumped fists.

"We have trained him well."

"Indeed."

Harry scowled. "Oh, shut it, you two."

The kid blinked. "Hey, I can understand you now!"

"That's great- er, what was your name again?"

"I'm Naruto, dattebayo! Who're you?"

"Onil, Hari, and I'm Zan," Xander said, waving at his friends. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about a huge fight around here recently, would you?"

Naruto sprung to his feet. "Orochimaru!"

Harry blinked. "Big snake pill?"

"Oh, right," Xander apologized. "The ring gets its translations off Babelfish. He said Orochimaru… who, according to legend, _did_ use snake magic. Damn, are we dealing with some asshole ascended to kami?"

"_Kukukuku, what an interesting idea…_" a creepy voice echoed around the forest. The mud in front of them swelled up and formed into a person. Naruto jumped back with a shout, but the three men paused.

"Harry...?" Xander asked carefully. "Didn't you kill Voldemort?"

"That's what I thought," Harry grumbled. "Bloody hell, did he resurrect himself AGAIN?"

"Bad guys," O'Neill grunted. "No respect! Never have the decency to go and stay killed."

"I know, right?" Xander said, "You think you've iced the guy and it turns out he had a faithful minion to resurrect him. Or he goes and clones himself!"

"Right, or worse, he steals a body, and then that only lasts a couple years and he has to go steal another!"

"_So_ cliché."

Orochimaru scowled. "This jutsu took decades of research!"

"Jutsu?" Harry asked.

"Magic," Jack and Xander chorused.

"...I'm sure Hermione's screaming somewhere, but that works for me."

O'Neill and Xander bumped fists again.

"Arses!"

"Where's Sasuke, pedo-sennin?!" Naruto shouted.

"Did he just call him an immortal pedophile?" Harry asked.

"He _did._" Xander's eyes narrowed.

"Now, now, Naruto-kun, let's not be spreading rumorss…" Orochimaru said with an oily grin.

"You just want Sasuke for his body!"

"Well, that _is_ true," he admitted.

"So… we've got an immortal snake wizard that steals bodies for their sexiness," O'Neill summed up. "It's like someone took all our bad guys and smooshed 'em together!"

"Which part of him's mine?" Xander asked.

"Oh, please, like you didn't have demons trying to jump your prepubescent body!"

"Pubescent, thank you very much!" Xander said. "But, point." He turned to Naruto. "Is this guy invincible until he turns into a snake?" he asked, thumbing a thumb at the snake-dude, who looked like he couldn't decide between amused and annoyed.

"Er, no?"

"Commands giant planet-killing pyramids in space?" O'Neill asked.

"What?"

"Has he by any chance torn up his soul into tiny little bits and scatter them everywhere?" Harry asked.

"Yes!" Voldem- er, Orochimaru cackled. "Yes, I have! I put a little bit of me into _every Cursed Heaven Seal I have created_!"

"Ewww, you're already in Sasuke? No wonder he was being such a dick!"

"Cursed Heaven Seal?" Xander asked.

"He bites you and then you turn all psycho and power-mad."

"Told you!" Jack said smugly. "_Vampire_ immortal snake wizard who steals bodies for their sexiness."

"It's like he couldn't decide on a schtick, so he stole them all," Xander said.

"Hey!"

"And none of the good parts, either," Harry commented. "I mean, giving away bits of your soul? Has nobody in this part of the world heard of voodoo?"

"Hey, neither did you, Mister Public Enemy Number One."

"Looks, I grew up in a sheltered neighborhood, alright?" Harry muttered. Then he smirked. "Besides, that whole forest jaunt got me weeks alone in a tent with Hermione."

"Oho, so you're not as dense as we thought!" Xander teased.

"Sheltered neighborhood!"

"You're all talking too much," Orochimaru said. "**Katon: Goryuka no Jutsu**!"

"_Aguamenti!_"

"Shields!"

"HADOKEN!"

Jack and Harry turned to Xander.

"What?" Xander crumpled after a moment. "Okay, fine, kinetic rings and a magical floodlight. A guy can't pretend or something?"

"No, no, I just wish I'd thought of it first," Jack said.

Harry shot them an evil grin. "_LUMOS BOMBARDA MAXIMUS!_" The resulting blast took out the forest in front of them.

"…damn." Jack whistled.

"Harry, I just…" Xander shook he his head. "I can't _even_."

"And how long have you been waiting to use that one?" Jack snarked.

"I've been stuck with teenage girls for years, Jack. _Years._"

Harry snorted and then nodded toward the hundreds of Narutos trying to beat up Orochimaru. "Think we ought to lend a hand?"

Jack dropped his pack and started shoveling through it. "Just to double-check, this guy's not invincible?"

"Nope."

"No big honkin' spaceship in orbit?"

"Nope."

"So no teleporting thingy to whisk him away at the last second."

"Well, they do seem to move faster than the non-boogied eye can see," Xander said casually, watching the blurs in front of him.

"Eeeeeggcellent." Jack zipped the pack shut with a sharp jerk. "As a great warrior once said, _'I have yet to meet man who can outsmart bullet.'_"

"You're holding a zat, Jack."

"Shut up, it shoots lightning. Lightning beats bullet, so neener."

"Didn't the Emperor use lightning?" Harry asked in a nonchalant manner. "Seems to me like you're turning to the Dark Side."

Jack turned to Xander. "You've turned him against me with my own powers."

"Oh, shut up and take the shot," Harry said. "Seems like ninja-lad's lining him up for a… swirly glowy thingy anyway."

"Right." Jack turned back to the battle and lined up his zat.

"Just so you know, if this turns him into the Flash, I'm blaming you." Xander said.

_Zzat!_


End file.
